On my way toward becoming Estella Grace (my alter ego), doing daily household chores in heels with a big smile on my face, I have discovered two parts of myself:
The sweet and kind side of my soul and the side of me who makes me feel like shit. I had dinner with my friend Luz last night who always seems to be a guiding light when I need her most. I said, “Luz, I feel like I am in a war with myself and it is affecting all aspects of my life.”
It was then she explained that the side of me that is the hardest on myself, the voice that is telling me I am never good enough, is in fact my “Ego” and the loving side is my spiritual self. How poignant?! I had even created an alter ego subconsciously who fit both these parts. Estella, the Star pushing me to be better, and Grace, my spiritual self who is non-judging, loving, and selfless.
She advised it is time to learn how to quiet the mind taking up some sort of daily spiritual practice that will center me and allow me to really listen to what my spiritual self needs.
I decided to do some research on these two parts and I stumbled across this article: Reducing the Ego – Strategies and Tips, (laugh). It’s amazing what you can find on the internet. The article speaks about the Tao, which I must admit I am very unfamiliar with. Here are some excerpts from the article:
“It is certainly true that once you have experienced that enlightening moment of total vision about the true nature of your self, your ego loses its grip on you, and you acquire a freedom which is naturally filled with wisdom and compassion.
No matter at what stage of development you are, disciplining the mind is of great importance. In fact, disciplining the mind is part of the road to enlightenment. And even after enlightenment, a disciplined mind remains essential.”
I find my “Ego” calms down after a few drinks, but unfortunately I can’t go through life drunk. When I have a beer or a glass of wine, my ego goes on vacation setting my spiritual self free, laughing jubilantly, living in the moment, and seeing life for the first time. The spiritual self doesn’t judge people or see the material value of things. It could care less about money, clothes, cars, or jobs.
When I wake up the next morning, the ego is screaming at me. “Your not good enough! Try harder! How do you expect to become someone great when you act like this?!” And sadly enough I usually punish myself, sitting at a computer all day trying to do better until the ego is satisfied.
Luz continued to explain, “The ego acts out of fear.”
This makes total and complete sense! A light bulb goes off in my head. All of my focus on the external world comes from my own fears of going without.
I was put in the wilderness this summer for a social experiment on living like caveman (“I, Caveman“). When we were stripped down to the bare essentials, it amazed me how quickly the material world disappeared and something began to shift inside of me – learning to love people for who they truly were. Sure we got into minor squabbles because we were cranky and hungry, but in the end all I saw were the beautiful souls I met.
This was the purpose of that experience for me, spiritual growth, realizing we were all just humans. No one was better than the other. We were all in it together. I really have come far on my spiritual path and now it’s time for me to squash the “Ego” because nothing I ever do will be good enough for it and the more I feed into it, the more I am feeding into a fictional self I created.
It’s a brutal vicious cycle and now that I have received some enlightenment into what it is, I feel I can get a better grasp on how to control it and begin to understand the fears that come with it. I am tired of being my own worst enemy.
My friend made me laugh. She said, “I make an appointment to meet with my “Ego” every Wednesday and when I hear it on any other day, I tell it you’re not scheduled for today.”
I love that and I love her. We can all take control of our ego on a specific day and when we tune into what it is actually saying or yelling, we can explain to it all the reasons why we are already great. So I will work on my spiritual practice, calming my mind, and enjoying life without the penance.
Much love,
-Estella Grace
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