Trying to Find my Happy Place

Song: Take You Higher (Goodwill & Hook N Sling)

We’ve all experienced disappointments in life, some bigger than others. Sometimes it feels like the world has swallowed you up and you safety haven is a small cocoon, your shelter from the outside. It can be overwhelming, cell phones, social media, news, expectations, fears. Where is your happy place, when you can finally shut out the noise and surrender to some quiet? I put my phone in the other room today on silent. I might just take back my power for one day and not be a servant to the world. Instead of being honest as I always am, I will lie like most people and say I was super busy. I will not check my emails and I will just BE me. I have forgotten what that is like. Every single text, email, or message, gnawing at me and my soul says – no more.

I light a candle and write to find some clarity. It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything and I think why did I stop? It’s something I have loved, enjoyed, yet I continually make up excuses and say I don’t have time. I have another client to serve, a gift basket to make, candles, orders, drawings and then…the day is over. I struggle taking control of my schedule and by that I mean, I work from home. I make my schedule, yet somehow I forget putting myself in it. I’m not as important as everyone else. I shut out my friends, because I am too busy with work and after I make all those sacrifices to be the best, I am usually disappointed with the result. I forget my exercise. I forget my beauty, pampering myself, everything because somewhere in the back of my head I am not as important as the rest of the world. The people-pleaser in me is my struggle and it leaves me tired, exhausted, and in some ways broken. You try so hard and it never seems to be good enough. There are too many variables out of your control and you feel defeated. The sense of powerlessness that is the root of it all.

How do you let go of that idea of perfection in your head that never seems to exist in the real world? How do you forget the entire canvas you envisioned that set the dream in motion? Is the dream there in another dimension existing perfectly how you saw it on another plane or is it a taunting demon. How do you find your happy place? Does it exist in this world or just in your head?

I watched the interview on Super Soul Sunday with Shonda Rhimes the writer of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder. She talked about her imagination becoming the escape from this world, creating characters with bits of herself that she can control. Shonda said she most identified herself with the characters of Dr. Yang and Olivia Pope. I was always the Meredith from Grey’s with tormented issues from my parents. When the dreamers get lost in their head or just prefer to float above rather than face the world, are they giving up? Or have they already given up. In her new book ‘Year of Yes’ she talks about her fears of social events, public speaking, and by not going to any of these events and allowing her to stay within her safe cocoon and fantasy world, it was a slow form of suicide. She made an agreement with herself that she would say YES for 1 year and see how it changed her life. Could you say yes for a year? Or better yet, could I? When I reflect back on a year I said ‘Yes’ the most, it was life-changing. Perhaps I need to approach life a little different and put aside the sugar plum fairies dancing in my head and the idea of something that may never exist. My soul is yearning for some fun and I’m saying yes to myself.