Song: Getting To Know You – Julie Andrews
I spoke to my friend Kat the other day. Ya know, one of those heart-to-heart conversations after a night of drinking. She said, “Amy I think when it comes to guys you are a little harsher than say I am.” Kat was trying to be polite and eased up on the word harsher. ”
My response. “Well I am from Jersey.”
“That’s no excuse Amy.”
“It’s my mom. I get it from my mom. I can’t help it. It’s who I am.” I heard the words come out of my mouth.
“I don’t mean it in a bad way…I just think you are just a little harsh.”
Getting to know yourself is strange especially when you realize ‘this is who I am.’
You think in your 20’s you know who you are, and then in your 30’s you are like WOW, I got it all wrong, I am really exactly how I was when I was a teenager. There’s the ‘you’ that is a hot mess in your teens and the ‘you’ you think you are supposed to be in your 20’s, and somewhere in your 30’s you just give up and the two merge together. Sometimes I think I had it all right as a teenager, I dated who ever I wanted and never got attached. I worked at a movie theatre, I danced at school, and I partied my ass off at night. I would get on the list for all the big NYC clubs at the time and I would stay out until the sun came up.
When I was in my 20’s I graduated college and I got a job at an engineer firm (cause that’s really where I belonged). Let’s just say I was the only girl and the guys were too scared to talk to me. I only ventured over to the main office on bagel Monday’s and they would stare at my chest. I spent most of the time re-designing my office and stepping out for fake smoke breaks. 3 months later my mom decided to let me know she was dying, I shifted into an interior design firm, she passed away, and a year later I bought a condo. I had it all planned out, marry the guy I was dating, work at a 9-5…turns out my ideas of growing up were semi-diluted, un-fulfilling, and boring. I liked my life much better as a teenager.
Today I am a blend of the two, and I see why my 20’s were important, because they gave me the tools to be successful in this new chapter. I still have some of that teenager deep inside though and I feel a very similar outlook to that young woman when it comes to men.
My neighbor recently told me I was bit jaded and that he thought I was a nymph. I didn’t quite know how to respond to that. It’s interesting to hear how others view you in the category of dating. He said something along the lines of me being a ‘vortex of woman’ he had never encountered. Hmmm…
It really got me thinking about the platinum shield across my heart. I am a little harsh. I think that is my mother coming out of me. She was strong and didn’t take shit. I see it pouring out of me in my 30’s.
I don’t believe anything is happening unless the guy believes it. I am relying solely on him to carry out the fantasy of whatever the relationship is to become. I want to believe in it – love – but I don’t. I’d like to get through year 1 with a guy, but the truth is, I have, and year 2 sucks, and year 3 is even worse. There it is, that jaded girl seeping out again…
I turned in my marriage card this July along with the mom card. The minute I turned in that damn card, a person came along in the most ironic fashion and softened my heart. Isn’t that the way the story goes? Is that the Tao at work? I am a writer, and I do write from this jaded, shielded heart. It got this way for a reason and when it opens, it always surprises me. It’s never the way I picture it, which is why I believe there is always a higher power at work. I never have a choice when it happens.
So as a person who is coming to terms with who I am. This is what I want before I open my jaded, shielded heart. I want a guy who put’s himself on the line, who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels, and can write me a song, then maybe my approach won’t be so harsh.
– Estella Grace