Cleaning always brings clarity into my life. It recently dawned on me that I am always the one choosing the harder path, taking on the challenges, trail blazing away…
I keep waiting for a sign that everything is meant to be or some type of confirmation that every decision I make is part of my destiny? But you know what I realized today – I’d be waiting forever and in the meantime I’d wallow in anxiety, too scared to commit to one direction in fear of making a mis-step. I would wait and wait for a freaking sign and then nothing would come leaving me exactly where I am right now.
I remembered something I heard recently – that WE create our own worlds – we create our own destiny, and for a second I am relieved. Thank God I think. Thank god I get to create my own life and make my own choices.
And then panic overtakes me. How will I know if my decision is right? If there is no set path, what if I make a mistake? And what if I do…I’m always worried if I am doing things right, but I will NEVER have that answer. There are no wrong turns. It’s about the journey.
As I continue to vacuum my living room I have a moment of clarity.
I’ve always said if there was ever a challenge – a harder road, that would be the path I’d follow, and blah, blah, blah…
I always choose the harder road – I bask in the road less traveled, and it fucking finally dawns on me – on this very day. I need to stop saying that. I need to stop picturing myself bulldozing through rough patches when I should be picturing myself laying in a field of daisies, swaying on a tree branch, or rocking in a hammock. Why hadn’t this all clicked sooner? Life is hard, I hear my father say in the distance.
At that moment I shout from my studio apartment at the top of my lungs, “I am ready for the easy path now! I am ready for things to come easy!
I am ready to sit back and relax on my road because life is EASY!! Oh and I want a bigger apartment! Why? Because I want one! And god if your listening right now I want that Pottery Barn bed set I saw the other day. That’s right! And I am ready for the money I need to fall in my lap so I can go to Fiji on a yoga retreat. Nevermind just wire it straight into my bank account.”
Perhaps I wasn’t ready for the easy path. It was too boring for me at one time. I am ready now – and life is going to be so easy…(sigh)
– Estella Grace