My Canary Died…

Dear Estella,

I fucked up. My canary Maribel died. I was holding her, trying to get some medicine in her tightened beak, but she wouldn’t let me. She instead sat there fluffed out with her eyes closed. I began praying for her, asking for the angels to help, god, anyone? It happened so fast. I just saw her sleeping during the day. As I realized this was the end of the road for her, I began hysterically crying, praying one last time, picturing a white light from the heavens above healing her small apricot body. She opened her eyes for a second. I saw her take a last breath. She closed her eyes and looked like she was saying something. She began to shake and then she was gone.

I am so sad writing this. I haven’t cried this hard for anyone’s funeral, but this bird that lay there in front of me lifeless, she was was so helpless. Her life was in my hands. Had I not seen the warning signs she was ill? I saw her sleeping in odd places in the cage. In hindsight there were warnings, but I wish I got another chance. A month ago I considered upgrading her cage. I think what if I did that? I may have been able to save her life. Had I not been so pre-occupied with my own life, spending the money on other things rather than a cage for her or a new canary friend would she still be alive?

I would have done all those things had I known this little singing spirit who loved rocking out to Eminem would die. She called out to me a couple of days earlier – something she would do if she needed food or water, but she had both. I couldn’t figure out what she wanted.

I buried her at sunset where the 2 turtle doves hang out. My friend dug a hole with a silver spoon he got from his kitchen.

I feel responsible and I have never seen a living being take their last breath. It made me feel like there was no god. It made me second guess this whole other world we speak of, seeing the light, etc… At that moment I felt ALONE. I didn’t feel any angels at my side as I cried for my bird.

I hoped she would come back to life in some miraculous moment, but she didn’t. I cried for 1 whole day straight. I’ve never done that before.

There is something to be said about a canary or an animal who solely relies on you to keep them healthy, and when you let them down, it hurts. I let her down, I failed as her mother. That is where the sadness lies. Had I done certain things different, I’m sure she could have been saved.

This morning was the 3rd day. As I walked my two dogs to the end of the hallway I heard the most beautiful singing coming from outside. The window was open next to the fire escape. I normally would hop on the elevator, but it sounded like Maribel. I walked to the outdoor window and I looked up at the wires. There was a grey canary singing a morning song above the urban streets of West Lake. The canary had a beautiful singing voice and it reminded me of her. I wonder where the canary spirits go after they pass. Do they become a new canary?

I don’t know why there was a canary on the phone wire today. I had never seen one amongst the turtle doves and black crows. Perhaps it is a sign to me that her spirit lives on…

Rest in peace little friend,

Amy

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