My apartment is drafty from the kitchen window I shattered earlier today. My view of downtown is in the shape of a rainbow – a metaphor from my life as I picked up the broken shards. A glass of wine, a sweatshirt, and Toby Thompson are what keep me warm…

Yiruma – When The Love Falls

My ex-boyfriend texted me tonight. I don’t know what he wants from me. I have nothing left to give. He is my weakness. I love him. I do. There is nothing I can do to hide that fact. I’m surprised I was able to stay away from him for 2 months. I usually grow weak around 3 weeks. My dog Toby looks at me like he needs something. Everyone always seems to need something from me. I received a phone call today from another ex-boyfriend. He got an offer from a big time Hollywood producer for his latest script. It’s not just his latest script. It’s the script that took him all the way…

It’s a script about me – about us. Our relationship and how it failed. We are closer than ever and he is now watching my dog Ray. The dog I saved, trained, and now needs a home to stay.

I wish I could play the piano. I’ve always wanted to learn. Yiruma is playing in the background right now. Tears fall this evening – and some fell earlier today. None of them know that. It’s rare I cry, but it seemed appropriate after I broke a window. It shattered as my elbows pressed against the pane. I tried pushing the wood, but the window was stuck from the aging layers of paint. A glass of wine sits beside me and my dog continues to try and get my attention.

Tears fall into the late evening hours, realizing a script that is written about me made it. Was this my purpose? To have a film written about me? This was the way I would inspire America, through my ex-boyfriend’s writings, not my own. It’s not the dream I had carved out for myself. It was however his dream to be a writer. He just didn’t know that this would be the screen play that got him the agent, the manager, and writing deals to come. I drove him to his first meeting at Disney the other day. I am happy for him. I am so happy for him. I cry tears of happiness and sadness for both of us. I expected more for myself, and that one sentence – that one phrase is what drives me every single moment of my life.

I saw another ex-boyfriend earlier today. This one was the first of many. My 5th grade boyfriend. I don’t know why my life is flooding with ex’s – especially on this day. He is the one who inspired me 3 years ago when I first moved to LA. He shows me how I have grown in the time I’ve spent out here. This 3 year cylindrical cycle is coming to an end, and as the 3rd ex-boyfriend contacts me later this evening in an attempt to smooth things over, I am intrigued and distant all at the same time. Why all these ex-boyfriends? And what do they want from me? I have nothing left to give. They have taken it all, and I am looking for something more. A man who has something to give. A trait I find so uncommon these days. I am tired of picking up the broken pieces of glass. I see the rainbow and it’s just half of the circle. I wait for the other half. The half I have completed. The book I have published, the show I host, and the lives I have touched.

Perhaps I am blind by the glass of wine at my side. It’s not as sweet as I suspected, for the successes are not mine, but what I have helped along the way.

I am tired and I surrender to a boyfriend who is here to stay.

-Estella Grace


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