Billy Holiday – I Hear Music
When I turned 30 my life finally became about me. I was no longer concerned with what others thought I should be doing, pleasing everyone but myself. For the first time I was following my own heart, my own impulses, and as scary as this new territory was – it was also the only thing that felt right…
Dreams I thought were long gone became stronger inside finally surrendering to the ride, freeing my fears with each baby step, each audition, blog posting, and recipe I poured my heart into. I began to share my soul with the world, which to most can be the scariest step of all. I looked back at my work history and saw a resume that meant nothing to me. I had a portfolio of zero and no experience in what I wanted to do. I flashed back to all the signs I saw along the way, but chose to ignore out of fear. Fear of failing, fear of not being good enough…
All the while, I was like a deer in headlights frozen, knowing I couldn’t waste any more time and go backwards and I was too damn scared to move forward knowing the world was coming at me like a speeding car. Bills were piling up…mortgage payments, and those people, my friends and family, the ones who were closest to me kept trying to push me back into the box I had been trying to climb out of for so many years. It was quite simply because – it was all they knew of me. Some grew frustrated, some even jealous of my tenacity, and others simply just faded away. It was at that time I realized the only person who believed in me was well, me.
And times get even tougher falling like a child to my knees screaming on the floor of an empty apartment. No one said letting go was easy. You begin to doubt yourself feeling lost without a compass on a raft without an oar sailing upstream, but in actuality I was learning, growing, and surviving. To believe in yourself, to really prevail, the word persevere takes on new meaning, digging into the depths
of your soul to find an undeniable confidence that ceased to exist before. “I
can do this. I will do this.”
I was in a stage of discovery – re-defining who I was without my degree shifting into anew appearing “lost” on the outside. I literally watched the past slip through my fingers – everything gone, along with the people who had mysteriously vanished out of my life. My body became riddled with fear, because nothing about my life was familiar. My neighborhood, my home, crying myself to sleep at night. Like a bad dream washed over me and when I awoke the sun was finally shining down upon my face. The clouds began to clear –the old disintegrating and new people began to appear, creeping out of an unknown abyss, presenting themselves like birds flocking toward me, supporting me, and rooting me on like they had been there the entire time… I still can’t figure out how I ever missed them – or couldn’t even see them at the time.
Old friends began to reappear, and for the first time they saw me as I truly was
and I realized…I had finally arrived.
Reborn with purple kicks and all!
– Estella Grace