I don’t wanna grow up, grow up…

Amos Lee – Violin

(For your listening pleasure.)

When I was in college I had these dreams of being a big shot – a powerful woman running an architect firm in Manhattan, designing amazing buildings…and then I had my internship at one of those firms. All of my dreams crashed to the floor in one summer.

Then I got a job for corporate and all I wanted to wear was fancy clothes, dressing in pencil skirts, heels, and fancy blouses. Part of me still does, or maybe I just crave that feeling of being on top and having that title where everyone knows who you are when you walk by. Doesn’t that always feel great?

I think in this economy LOST is the new frontier for the job market. After the crash in 2008 I feel like boundaries were crossed, ego’s were torn down, and there was no going back. I am forever changed I know that. I created a freakin documentary about it and now the person working at McDonald’s is no less worthy to me than the guy who works at the bank or credit card company who steals from broke people every fucking month with 20% interest rates. (smile)

My value system is just different now and I don’t know if I’ve become a tree hugger exactly or this anti-corporate person, but when I am in say Subway for instance, I have a new found respect for the person putting together my foot long. I mean to me there is no integrity left in big building land, but I truly empathize with the small people running the stores that make corporate rich. I especially admire the food trucks on my street, the farmers, and the small mom and pop shops.

There were some positive’s that came out of this economy. It has transformed a massive amount of people for the better who thrive on making a difference rather than becoming just another number. Some just left their jobs all together and started travel blogs with their savings so they could run off to Europe. I kind of feel like a lot of people lost their minds – myself included or maybe we just got ourselves back and don’t know what to do with it. Our whole lives we were schooled and trained to be something we are not. So when that washes away what else is left, but ourself. THAT is pretty scary.

I am at a cross road with my career. When I have amazing clients, it’s just peachy, but when work slows down it’s scary. Yes I am a freelance designer and it was my field that got hurt pretty damn bad. Hey, when the housing market crashes, interior designers better get a new day job.

So I’m seriously thinking about working at a yogurt store. When I was 15 I worked at Dannon yogurt and I swear it was one of the happiest times of my life. I got in yogurt fights, I was super skinny because it was all I ate, and I could hit on the boys across the way at Roasters Chicken, Yea–haaa!

Then there is this other side of me that says “Amy you’re better than yogurt.” And then I get in a fight with myself over yogurt and my corporate dreams that were shattered. So what’s a girl to do? What would Estella Grace do in my shoes?

I think she’d be a housewife or volunteering somewhere. I wish it was as easy as becoming a housewife. I saw a job recently in Big Bear, a mountain about 2 hours from here with over an hour climb to the top, kinda scary. They were looking for someone to manage the food for a large resort catering to little camper kids. I was thinking maybe I could come up with healthy meals for them like Jamie Oliver. Would that be enough to fulfill me? Would that make a difference in this world living on a mountain in a log cabin, making food for kids? I mean maybe I’d become a more selfless person then and I could find a divorced man in a country bar playing guitar. I would be that girl showing up in the small town singing karaoke and working at a selfless job during the day. It could work…right? Then I could write another book about it.

If there’s one thing I promised myself, no matter how scared I get, I’m not going back to corporate.

Perhaps growing up wasn’t as fun as I originally thought it would be, but I can still try to be a kid again.

P.S. The guy at Pinkberry said I was over-qualified. (sigh)

Estella Grace

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