And then I thought, I would probably be fine in one dress and a sweater for the entire vacation if I really wanted to be. If I really put aside my fear of not packing enough, or the right stuff, everything at the end of the day would be OKAY.

I want to get to that place. The place where I don’t get over involved in the details with 5 lists, panicking, packing 10 cliff bars. When did I become like this? Is this a woman thing, a control thing, or a living in too much excess thing? Do we have so much already that we don’t know how to go without a full wardrobe until we are lying drunk somewhere on a beach?

It got me thinking about the madness we create for ourselves. All I know is if you hand me a glass of wine in the middle of Mexico, I won’t give a flying f*ck what’s in my suitcase. Heck, I might even spill it on my favorite blouse and laugh. Maybe we all just need to pack our suitcases drunk and surprise ourselves when we arrive at our destinations. That might be more fun.

I leave with you with a song while I unpack half of my clothes.

Bon Iver – Beach Baby

I’ll send you a note in a bottle…

- Estella Grace

Sometimes you don’t know what the day will bring or who will become top of mind. I recently purchased a pair of TOMS shoes. Tom’s is a great company because for every pair of shoes you purchase it donates a pair to a child in need. www.toms.com

When I took my brand new TOMS out of the cardboard box I tried them on and a huge smile came over my face. They were perfect! I grabbed the box and headed toward the recycling bin. Just as I was about to let it go, I saw a note shouting at me on the back:

“You don’t have to throw this box away! Reuse it, reinvent it, get creative, it’s your box now. Keep TOMS in here, travel photos, old love letters – whatever you want!”

And so I listened to it. I didn’t throw it away. It would be the first shoe box I would hold onto which was a little intimidating. I proudly set it on my kitchen table and thought of a way to re-purpose it for several days. Today I was struggling to find room for my clothes. I wondered if there was a way to clean out one of my drawers. When I opened a drawer, I saw several envelopes full of old photos and then I remembered – the TOMS box!

So I happily grabbed my TOMS box and started going through the photos. It was a little emotional as it had been a long time since I had looked through them. I saw a couple old boyfriends, but out of all the pictures one person stood out the most. We looked so happy and it wasn’t until now, on this day, that I saw it – the glow in both our faces.

Most of the photos were of us traveling together. We were in Disney World, California, Mexico, Virginia, and Boston. We loved taking adventures together and that was what we did best. When we could leave everything behind we were so happy, full of life and these pictures were proof. Proof of a love that once existed – a love I didn’t see with any other boyfriend. We lived together for a bit and we almost got married, but there was a past that followed us and the relationship ended.

The photos today brought this person to the top of my mind. I wondered how he was doing. I had buried him and the memories of us a long time ago, but I realized:

“just because someone is part of your past, doesn’t mean you should throw them away.”

So I didn’t. I feel like I have been cleaning out a lot of things in my life lately shifting my perspective into anew.

Thank you TOMS for helping me re-purpose this box into something special.

Have a beautiful day.

- Estella Grace

I am not gonna lie, I have never been a fan of this network and as a designer it feels so good to finally get this off my chest. The shows on this channel are not only unrealistic, but the amount of work that goes on behind the scenes that the viewers don’t see before the outrageous reveal is not only misleading, but a complete lie! And now thanks to HGTV, homeowners have false expectations that designers can perform miraculous transformations to their home in just one day. That’s right, one freaking day! I’ll get the custom sofa and window treatments right out of my garage. Oh and how about that hidden team of designers you never meet or clients that actually have a say in their house? The clients on this channel seem to have no say in what the designer does, which is exactly the opposite of real life. Let me just send my clients away from their home while I pick out everything they don’t approve on their credit card. If only it were that simple.

Come on HGTV! Can’t you have a more authentic, realistic approach to design that isn’t misleading and completely about perfection?

In my opinion homes should be about the families that actually live in them, their personalities, oh and let’s not forget about those furry little creatures that run around and get their dirty paw prints on everything. This idea of perfection in the home has been really bothering me lately. In fact, I hate it!

“Sarah’s House” on HGTV is exactly the kind of show I’m talking about. Let’s buy a home for $500,000 and put in $400,000. Then let’s pray for a million dollar ticket price in an already struggling economy from the realtors who have a script right in front of them.

I wonder if Sarah sleeps at night striving for such perfection that doesn’t exist – that CAN’T exist as a train runs right behind her beautiful perfect house. Now that’s a solid investment. And just as I write this my dog Ray knocks the plug out of the wall and Sarah’s face disappears. (smile)

How about a show that teaches us to build things? Sarah’s home remind me of the Kips Bay showhouse in New York City, except her house is not for a good cause.

I come from a long line of carpenters and homemakers and back in the day it was more about building communities and making the best out of what you had.

I love the home and I believe in what it can do for people’s state of minds and overall wellness, but this unattainable level of perfection I am not on board with.

The famous couch scene from American Beauty stands out in my mind… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw1ZwLXXm8E

“Lester you’re gonna spill beer on the couch.”

“So what? It is just a couch.”

“This is a $4000.00 couch upholstered in Italian silk.”

“It is just a couch! This isn’t life! This is just stuff. And it’s become more important to you than living. Well honey that’s just nuts.”

Another show I don’t completely understand is “Income Property.” The homeowners are already struggling on their monthly mortgage and then they are tricked into somehow taking out an additional loan for $100,000 to transform their basement into a rental space. Even if they do get the additional rent, they are pretty much taking out another mortgage on top of their pre-existing loan that they forget to show you in the monthly math equation. Hmm…This show really should be called, it will take you another 20 years to pay off your mortgage.

I had an audition today for a show on this network and now thanks to the lovely Sarah this afternoon I am going to skip it. When you are ready to do a show about the following:

• transforming people’s lives (extreme makeover concept)
• how to build a house (heck how to build anything!)
• color psychology
• spiritual design
• clean living
• energy efficiency
• less is more tactics
• or a show about how long it really takes to makeover a space I’ll be all ears.

Till then, your on your OWN, which is a way better network by the way.

Peace out HGTV!

-Estella Grace

So my friend Jenelle invited me to a yoga class she would be teaching. I thought, perfect! I am trying to get back in shape and what better way to do so than with a friend guiding me through. Now up until this point I have only taken 1 hour classes at a gym that were very basic about twice a week.

DAY 1 of the Yoga Experience: This class was in a renowned yoga studio. I nicknamed it M&M. A cross between what I classify as military yoga with meditative yoga. Military yoga is when the instructor calls out poses similar to a drill sergeant asking you to drop down and give them 20, but in yoga it’s called chaturanga, moving into cobra, than into downward dog. It is fast and repetitive.

The meditative side is what lazy people like me love (smile). Of course you may not see as much physical results, but it is mentally cleansing. Her class was a hybrid of the two which was refreshing with a soundtrack of music that was invigorating. She ended with a poem, a massage using peppermint oil, and this beautiful song during shavasana.

River Flows In You - Yiruma

Now I have taken several yoga classes, but this was on another level of yoga. An intense 1-1/2 hour-long class that I look at now as an experience rather than a class.

The Results:

My face broke out. I was informed it was my body’s way of cleansing out the toxins. I was sore the next day in a good way and for once in my life I was craving something healthy to eat.

This yoga thing might be exactly what I have been looking for…

DAY 2 of the Yoga Experience: I decided to commit and take a 1-1/2 hour class every other day. I took another friends class. It was called Freedom Flow – AKA “Slow and Deadly.”

Okay so I’m exaggerating a bit, but for a beginner-yogi like myself, this was an intense class. It required patience holding poses for long amounts of time, deep breathing, and balance, taking me to an emotional place perhaps I was not ready to go yet.

I learned a lot in this class, discovering our hips store emotions from our past. It felt like I had come out of a reiki healing, which brings all of the negative emotions your body has been storing to the surface cleansing out your chakras. Typical after effects of reiki are randomly breaking into tears over the course of several days, feeling melancholy, but when the emotions clear, the sun shines even brighter than before and you are healed. That is how I felt after this class. Perhaps I will do this class once a month as a spiritual cleansing.

The Results:

Is my posture improving? I have struggled with bad posture since early adolescence and I noticed I was standing straighter today, hmmm…amazing.

DAY 3 of the Yoga Experience: I took a class I nicknamed Sweaty Journey, because that is exactly what it was. Intense sweating and movement taking you on a journey of sorts, but to my surprise I liked it. At the end the teacher closed with a song on guitar. I felt like he took me somewhere during shavasana, I don’t know where just yet, but it keeps me wanting to go back, perhaps it is my journey and I felt safe in there.

The Results:

My stomach is becoming a washboard. I have not seen my stomach since I discovered beer pong when I was 16.  My eye whites are clearer and the next day I kept breaking into giggles and spuratic car dancing.

In one week of intense yoga I have seen dramatic physical and mental results. Than I thought why doesn’t everyone know about this? Which is why I wanted to write this blog post.

After my 4th class, I noticed my core strengthening, improvement in all of the poses, and my skin clearing up. I must say for the first time in a long time I am actually happy with how my body is looking and THAT is priceless…

I have signed up for a full month and my yoga journey still continues with a class tonight. I am committed to my body, aware of it, and working through mental challenges.

For an amazing yoga experience in Los Angeles/Santa Monica I highly recommend the Yoga Collective.

Namaste. (head bow)

Estella Grace

I didn’t watch the parade, I didn’t make plans to cook massive amounts of food, I instead prepared dinner for one, me. I made a new Thanksgiving dinner, a juicy steak.

I say fuck the turkey. I never liked turkey anyway…

I admit, I felt uncomfortable leaving the box. I had some feelings of guilt not watching the parade. Venturing into the grocery store was a bit lonely, but I pushed onward and what I found was a stress-less day doing things I wanted, writing, blogging, and napping.

Instead of cooking for 48 hours, washing a never-ending pile of dishes, or feeling guilty for over indulging – I had neighbors surprise me with a bottle of wine and in turn, I offered them half of my steak dinner. After all, isn’t that what the holidays are truly about?

Step out of your box and maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!

Cheers,

-Estella Grace

Coldplay – Paradise

A crusade through the night, fighting fire with a knife,

cutting those aside, that threaten my bright light,

soaring through the air on a mission to declare,

my right to succeed, to be happy and free,

flying high above the clouds, my voice stating aloud:

I will wake up each day, knowing everything will be okay,

watching the sunrise, expecting a big surprise,

something amazing, as I continue trail blazing,

shedding each layer of hurt, as I walk this new dirt.

The lessons I’ve learned, I will share in return.

I deserve to be loved, showered with hugs,

I will learn to receive, instead of loving disease,

My pain will be reversed, for my life is not cursed,

I will obtain peace, all the negativity released,

The angels keep me away, from those who can’t play,

awakening me to laughter, dancing hereafter,

You can come along when you’re ready, but I move ahead steady,

I will take back what is mine, love and self-worth, as I cross the line.

-Estella Grace

Related articles

• Fall Into Paradise With Coldplay! Watch Today Show Performances! (perezhilton.com)
• Coldplay Do “Paradise” On Letterman (stereogum.com)

Several months ago one of them told me I needed to see the documentary “I AM.” She even went as far as getting me free tickets. The film, directed and hosted by Tom Shadyac is about his shift in perspective after going through a near death experience. This pushed him to look further into the depths of the universe and ask some difficult questions. Here is the trailer:

I Am Trailer

The movie deeply impacted me and has since changed the way I look at the world. Love always wins.

Three months later, my other friend suggested I watch Oprah’s Lifeclass. At the time I didn’t know if I had her cable channel OWN, but I took the note and stored it in the back of my mind.

Last night I was flipping through the channels and I saw a show that was about Newton’s Third Law. I thought, hmm…that might be interesting. I turned to the channel and I looked at the screen and lo and behold it was Oprah’s Lifeclass. The show she told me to watch.

Her guest: Tom Shadyac from ”I Am.” Now I don’t believe in coincidences. This is the power of synchronicity, the two positive mentors in my life coming together in one show. I was in awe of the universe and its magical ways. I was supposed to see this episode.

It gave me amazing insight into putting out positive energy as well as some much-needed answers I had been looking for a while. It inspired me so much that I wanted to share it with you.

Here is the link to the episode: Putting out Positive Energy

Today’s Class airing on 11/11/11 at 8pm is titled: You always had the power. Hopefully we can watch it together and learn something.

Lot’s of love and positive energy to you!

Best,

Estella Grace

It’s that time of year again and this recipe is perfect to jar and give as gifts. I even put my own label on it Estella Grace.  She’d be so proud…

Amy’s Apple Butter Servings: 6 small jars (3 jars)

Time: 1/2 recipe 6 hours low Time: Full recipe 12 hours

• 2 cups of apple cider or juice (1 cup)
• 1 cup of sugar (1/2)
• 4 teaspoons pumpkin seasoning (2 teaspoons)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves (1/4 teaspoon)
• 2 teaspoons FRESH ground nutmeg (1 teaspoon)

Peel, core, and chop the apples. Throw into the slow cooker on low heat. Add in the cider or juice, the sugar, and the spices. Put on the lid and let the aroma fill your home!

To check out more of my recipes log onto:

www.onceinlovewithamy.wordpress.com

Or for step-by-step directions visit:

Amy’s Old-Fashioned Apple Butter.

Happy Fall!

~ Estella Grace

Rihanna – We Found Love

I just recently exited out of a relationship. I don’t know how stealth my exit was, but I guess I felt I was living a lie – victim of a Facebook crime. The guy, let’s call him Ed, put a Facebook label on our relationship without asking me in person first.

When I received the notification from Ed that he declared me as his girlfriend it sent a spiral of emotions through me. First I thought, we hadn’t even discussed this?! Then I was flattered and then I thought what if I didn’t accept the request, would I have lost him for good? In my mind hundreds of his friends had already seen it, creating additional pressures on top of going from casually “seeing” one another to a full-blown relationship. With hours of hesitation I clicked YES giving in to a website. (Idiot!) Clearly we were not on the same page.

I guess you could say we fell in love in a hopeless place as the Rihanna song goes, so I accepted the request. Another month went by and sadly the status on my homepage was eating at me every time I logged on. I am living a lie! I never agreed to this! but I did through an online notification. What happened to the good ol’ days when we talked about things?

My conclusion: If you want me to be your girlfriend please ask me in person first. I guess I’m just old school like that…

- Estella Grace

On my way toward becoming Estella Grace (my alter ego), doing daily household chores in heels with a big smile on my face, I have discovered two parts of myself:

The sweet and kind side of my soul and the side of me who makes me feel like shit. I had dinner with my friend Luz last night who always seems to be a guiding light when I need her most.  I said, “Luz, I feel like I am in a war with myself and it is affecting all aspects of my life.”

It was then she explained that the side of me that is the hardest on myself, the voice that is telling me I am never good enough, is in fact my “Ego” and the loving side is my spiritual self. How poignant?! I had even created an alter ego subconsciously who fit both these parts. Estella, the Star pushing me to be better, and Grace, my spiritual self who is non-judging, loving, and selfless.

She advised it is time to learn how to quiet the mind taking up some sort of daily spiritual practice that will center me and allow me to really listen to what my spiritual self needs.

I decided to do some research on these two parts and I stumbled across this article: Reducing the Ego – Strategies and Tips, (laugh).  It’s amazing what you can find on the internet. The article speaks about the Tao, which I must admit I am very unfamiliar with. Here are some excerpts from the article:

“It is certainly true that once you have experienced that enlightening moment of total vision about the true nature of your self, your ego loses its grip on you, and you acquire a freedom which is naturally filled with wisdom and compassion.

No matter at what stage of development you are, disciplining the mind is of great importance. In fact, disciplining the mind is part of the road to enlightenment. And even after enlightenment, a disciplined mind remains essential.”

I find my “Ego” calms down after a few drinks, but unfortunately I can’t go through life drunk. When I have a beer or a glass of wine, my ego goes on vacation setting my spiritual self free, laughing jubilantly, living in the moment, and seeing life for the first time. The spiritual self doesn’t judge people or see the material value of things. It could care less about money, clothes, cars, or jobs.

When I wake up the next morning, the ego is screaming at me. “Your not good enough! Try harder! How do you expect to become someone great when you act like this?!” And sadly enough I usually punish myself, sitting at a computer all day trying to do better until the ego is satisfied.

Luz continued to explain, “The ego acts out of fear.”

This makes total and complete sense! A light bulb goes off in my head. All of my focus on the external world comes from my own fears of going without.

I was put in the wilderness this summer for a social experiment on living like caveman (“I, Caveman“).  When we were stripped down to the bare essentials, it amazed me how quickly the material world disappeared and something began to shift inside of me – learning to love people for who they truly were. Sure we got into minor squabbles because we were cranky and hungry, but in the end all I saw were the beautiful souls I met.

This was the purpose of that experience for me, spiritual growth, realizing we were all just humans. No one was better than the other. We were all in it together. I really have come far on my spiritual path and now it’s time for me to squash the “Ego” because nothing I ever do will be good enough for it and the more I feed into it, the more I am feeding into a fictional self I created.

It’s a brutal vicious cycle and now that I have received some enlightenment into what it is, I feel I can get a better grasp on how to control it and begin to understand the fears that come with it. I am tired of being my own worst enemy.

My friend made me laugh. She said, “I make an appointment to meet with my “Ego” every Wednesday and when I hear it on any other day, I tell it you’re not scheduled for today.”

I love that and I love her. We can all take control of our ego on a specific day and when we tune into what it is actually saying or yelling, we can explain to it all the reasons why we are already great. So I will work on my spiritual practice, calming my mind, and enjoying life without the penance.

Much love,

-Estella Grace